


Asking the Big Questions

by doinggodswork



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, One Shot, Random & Short, on crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29936736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doinggodswork/pseuds/doinggodswork
Summary: The 6 sages (Zelda is occupied) are waiting for Link, so in the meantime, they seek to answer the age-old question - How do Gorons reproduce?(On crack)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Asking the Big Questions

The 6 sages were standing in the Temple of Light, an awkward silence falling between them. 

Ruto cleared her throat. 'So, uh, how's it going?" 

"Great." Nabooru scoffed, rolling her eyes, "We're just standing here. It's soooooo fun." 

"You don't get to complain!" Ruto snapped back. "You got here last!" 

"Oh? And did you get here first?" 

"No..." 

All eyes turned to Saria. 

"Uh, well, I think it's ok!" She said, "When I first got here it was kinda boring, because only Rauru and I were here, but now that all the sages are here, it's become more exciting! And also, I don't mind if it's boring, I'd do anything to save Hyrule!" 

All the sages seemed moved by Saria's words. 

"Well, yes, you're right," Ruto nodded slowly, "but it is kind of quiet here."

"How about we have a little discussion?" Rauru suggested. "Is there anything you wish to discuss?" 

"Actually...yes." Ruto cast an uneasy glance at Darunia, "It's something that's been bugging me since I was 5." 

Darunia narrowed his eyes. "Ok... but why're you looking at me like that...?" 

"Uh... so... how do Gorons reproduce?" 

Darunia groaned. 

Rauru facepalmed, looking ashamed at himself for suggesting a discussion. 

"What?!" Ruto snapped defensively, "It's a valid question!" 

Nabooru nodded. "I've never given it much thought, but now that you mention it, Ruto, it is something to be curious about." 

"You have got to be kidding me." Darunia sighed. He took a deep breath and was about to say something, when Nabooru cut in.

"Actually, Darunia, don't tell us. Let us guess." 

Darunia frowned. "Come now, Nabooru, that can't be a good-"

"Let's do it!" Ruto said. 

"I like guessing games!" Saria chimed in. 

Darunia sighed yet again. "Fine. What are your guesses?" 

Nabooru pretended to stroke an invisible beard. "Hm... well the Goron kids have to come from somewhere... do you... get a beautiful Hylian wife and-" 

"I'll stop you right there, Nabooru." Impa said sternly, casting a glance at Saria. 

"Oh, right, we have a child here. But I think-" 

"Wait wait wait," Ruto cut in, "how will that even work? A Goron father and a Hylian mother? Are you suggesting that all Gorons have a Hylian mother? That's extremely odd!" 

"You're right... but where else could they come from?" 

"Perhaps they don't reproduce with Hylians, but with..." 

"Their own race?" 

"Yeah." 

Nabooru blinked for a few seconds, then nodded. "Possible, possible." 

"Come on you two, that's ridiculous." Impa sighed. 

"No, it's plausible." Ruto retorted. (Alliteration!) 

"How?" 

"You're not a Goron, you don't know for certain!" 

"True, but I'm mostly sure that they don't reproduce with each other." 

"You never know! I mean, do they even have sexes? And even if they do, who says Gorons need 2 Gorons of opposite sexes in order to reproduce, huh??" Nabooru argued. "Besides, if Ruto and I agree on something, it must be correct!" 

"Yeah!" Ruto added, "Do you know how rare it is for Nabooru and I to agree on something?!" 

Nabooru turned to Darunia. "So, how accurate is our guess?" 

"Not accurate at all." 

Impa gave Nabooru and Ruto an 'I-told-you-so' look. 

"Hm.. then do you lay eggs?" 

"Nabooru, that's idiotic." 

"Really, Ruto? If they don't reproduce with Hylians or with their own race, how else do they reproduce??" 

Ruto considered this. 

"Please don't tell me you're considering it, Ruto." Impa sighed. 

"She does have a point." 

Impa slapped a palm to her face. 

"Perhaps..." Ruto began tapping her feet as she was thinking, "Perhaps Goron children hatch from rocks?" 

"And they eat the same rocks?!" Nabooru grimaced. 

"WE'RE NOT CANNIBALS!!!!!!!" Darunia yelled. 

"What's a cannibal?" Saria asked. 

All the sages fell silent. 

"It's... uh..." Ruto started, only to be cut off by Nabooru. 

"It's someone who eats their own kind." 

Saria looked absolutely horrified. 

Impa gave Nabooru a dirty glare. "I'm warning you, Nabooru-" 

"Alright, sorry. But anyway, back to the discussion, maybe Goron children do hatch from rocks. Maybe the rocks are like Cucco eggs. Some eggs are edible while some contain chicks." 

Ruto snapped her fingers. "That actually makes sense!" 

Impa facepalmed yet again but didn't say anything. She clearly did not want to be part of the discussion anymore. 

"But then... why do some rocks contains Gorons?" Saria asked. 

"Good question, Saria." Nabooru said, "Maybe it's-" 

Saria's eyes lit up as she had a sudden thought. "Magic?" 

"Eh, no, not magic, kid. Let's think, how do Cuccos make fertilised eggs? Ah, right, there's a male and a female, then-" 

"NABOORU." Impa looked as if she could slap Nabooru. Or maybe cut her in half. Or throw her in lava. Or all 3 of them. 

"Well, basically what Nabooru's saying is that there must be a mother and a father." Ruto said, coming to Nabooru's rescue, "But aren't the Gorons an all male race?" 

Nabooru clapped her hands together and leaned forward. "Gender-wise, probably. Sex-wise? We don't know! And like I said earlier, who says there has to be 2 opposite sexes?! They're rock people living in a volcano! Anything goes!" 

"Hey!" Darunia glared at Nabooru. "Who're you calling rock people?!" 

"No, no, wait, Nabooru has a point!" Ruto exclaimed. "They could very well reproduce with their own people, or make eggs like that too! The limitations of gender and sex are non-existent!" 

"DON'T IGNORE ME, TAKE THAT BACK, NABOORU!" 

"SHUT UP DARUNIA, WE'RE DOING HYLIA'S WORK HERE!" 

"GENDER IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT!" 

"CAN ALL OF YOU CALM DOWN?!?!?!?!" 

~~~~

Meanwhile, outside. 

Ganon smacked Link to the floor, his Master Sword flying through the air and landing mere inches away from Zelda. Link staggered up, but Ganon was already standing in front of him, ready to deliver the final blow. Summoning all her strength, Zelda pulled the Master Sword out from the ground and threw it at Ganon. The sword wasn't at its most powerful because Zelda was using it, but it still managed to stab Ganon in the back, causing him to briefly recoil. Link pulled the sword from his back and began to attack. 

"Sages, now is our chance!" Zelda yelled. 

...

... 

...

"Sages????" Zelda yelled once more, growing desperate, "Where are you????" 

...

...

"I hope they're not arguing over stupid things and forgetting about the battle!" Navi screamed. 

Oh, if only she knew.

**Author's Note:**

> Horrible ending, yes, but this is just something I did because I was bored, so meh.   
> also headcanon: This is how the downfall timeline came to be 
> 
> No seriously, how do Gorons reproduce??


End file.
